


i'm not turning back around

by undercover_martyr



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-26
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:18:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21566542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undercover_martyr/pseuds/undercover_martyr
Summary: She doesn’t know much really, not anything about life, and especially not about the reason why Emily broke up with her.
Relationships: Lindsey Horan/Emily Sonnett
Comments: 4
Kudos: 42





	i'm not turning back around

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by the album "wishes" by RHODES

** _[Am I losing it?_ **

** _Do you think I am?_ **

** _Am I losing it?_ **

** _I don't think I can]_ **

Emily leaves her on a Wednesday.

It’s early November, and they haven’t been okay since their season ended early.

Lindsey knows that it’s because of the expansion, because of the possibility that they’ll go from this-- from being everything-- to being nothing.

It scares Lindsey shitless.

Apparently it just makes Emily run.

It’s a little bit anticlimactic.

The things that Emily had in her apartment are packed neatly into a suitcase, and Emily is sitting on Lindsey’s sectional couch when Lindsey comes back from her morning run, armed with 2 iced coffees and a picture of a dog she’d thought that Emily would love.

But she knows right away what this is.

And it’s because Emily won’t look at her, actually refuses to look at her after having spent the entirety of their friendship and then their relationship staring blatantly at Lindsey.

She’s speaking a miles a minute now, Emily is, almost like she’s trying to get the words out before she’ll lose the courage to keep going.

Lindsey listens to her, nods at the appropriate places, tries not to lose it as she watches Emily wipe her eyes furiously with the sleeve of a sweatshirt-- Lindsey’s sweatshirt.

Lindsey holds it together until she can’t anymore, until she feels the bile rising up in the back of her throat, until she has to run to the restroom to throw nothing up-- because it’s nine in the morning.

Emily doesn’t even come after her, and when Lindsey finally makes it out the restroom, she finds that Emily--and all of her things, and maybe possibly Lindsey’s heart too-- is gone.

** _[Oh my gentle mood longs_ **

** _You don't know how lonely I've been_ **

** _Can you tell? Can you tell?_ **

** _Just by looking at me?]_ **

It’s a Monday when Lindsey sees Emily again.

They’re in camp, of course they’re in camp, because it’d be fitting for Lindsey to completely fall apart in the place where she put herself together. It’s been three weeks and it’s their last camp of the year, and Emily hasn’t called or answered her texts once. 

She’s been in Georgia, but it’s not like she told Lindsey that.

Emma had, in a short text that Lindsey was too nervous to respond to. She didn’t want to care. She didn’t want to know anything about Emily because Emily apparently wanted nothing to do with her.

And Lindsey has lost hope that they’ll fix things because this is the longest time they’ve gone without talking in 4 years and it’s hard.

And it’s harder now because Lindsey can’t run from Emily if Emily is right there.

Lindsey can’t run from Emily because she’s Emily. She’s literally the one thing in the world that Lindsey will stay still for. And it hurts because Emily-

Because Emily looks-

Well, Emily looks happy. She’s hanging out with Kelley and Alex, and she looks a hundred times better than Lindsey feels.

They don’t talk, not really.

Emily looks sheepish everytime Lindsey so much as looks at her, and she also avoids Rose and Mal at all costs.

Lindsey wishes she could tell her that there are no sides to this break-up, Lindsey wants to tell Emily that she would never do that to her, that she didn’t even want the break up in the first place, but Emily wouldn’t listen if she tried.

That much Lindsey knows. She knows firsthand just how stubborn Emily can be.

They’re cordial at practice, they have to be. Lindsey isn’t sure of what the coaching staff knows, really, but then again she’s not even sure of what her teammates know.

Lindsey had told Rose who told Mal, who must have told others, if the pitying looks that Lindsey has been getting are anything to by.

She doesn’t know much really, not anything about life, and especially not about the reason why Emily broke up with her.

Lindsey doesn’t know what she did that Emily would leave her so suddenly.

She doesn’t think she’s strong enough to find out.

  
  


** _[Is it too late, too late_ **

** _Too late, too late, too late now?]_ **

It’s a Saturday and Lindsey is out at a bar in downtown Portland, and she’s drunk.

She’s drunk as fuck, and it’s December now, close enough to Christmas that she should be in Denver, close enough to Christmas that her mom really wants her in Denver, but Lindsey can’t take pity, not from her parents anyway,

No one is in Portland anymore, no one except for Tobin, who is so committed to Christen that they might as well be married, and her invitation for Tobin to come out turns into an invitation for Tobin and Christen to come out, and that’s how Lindsey ends up pounding back tequila shots while Christen looks on horrified.

Tobin doesn’t stop her-- Lindsey is not sure that anyone could stop her-- but she does force Lindsey to drink water in between shots, much like she did in Lyon after the World Cup.

Lindsey’s lost count of the number of shots she’s taken, of the number of beers she’s drunk, but it’s 1 in the morning and Christen’s started to look miserable on the other side of the booth, and that spurs Tobin into action.

Tobin pays for their tab and drags Lindsey to their shared Uber, making sure that Lindsey has her phone, and her keys, and her wallet.

Lindsey feels a little ridiculous, a little like she’s 16 and drinking on a sleepover even though she shouldn’t be out in the first place, but she’s drunk, and she doesn’t really care.

They make her to her apartment without a hitch, and Tobin half carries her into the elevator and then into her apartment.

She takes off Lindsey’s shoes first, then her make up, and then changes Lindsey out of her clothes and into a loose ratty shirt. In the meanwhile, Christen brings her an aspirin and two glasses of water, one of which she hands over to Lindsey.

“Drink this up and go to sleep,” she says, and it’s not like she’s asking, really it’s kind of an order, so Lindsey has no choice but to do just that.

It’s kind of really funny, that as she lays there, drunk out of her mind for the first time in forever, all she can do is focus on the stupid picture on her nightstand.

It’s a picture of her and Emily that Mike had taken the first time she’d brought Emily home.

Lindsey had always thought she looked ridiculous-- she’d been laughing at something Emily had said-- but Emily was fond of the picture from the moment her brother had shown it to them.

And because Lindsey was physically unable to say no to Emily, the picture had ended up on their night stand. 

She’d avoided looking at it until now, had turned the frame so that it wouldn’t face her, but hadn’t placed it face down. That would have felt too much like closing the chapter in their relationship.

She’s gone quiet now, has made Tobin and Christen worry, if the way they come closer to her is anything to go by.

It’s Christen who follows her gaze first, and she gives out a little gasp that Lindsey has heard exactly two times in her life.

The first time was in the locker room after the game against Sweden in Rio 2016. The second one was when they’d been sitting on the bench and had watched Tobin go down on a heavy challenge and take too long to get up. Both times, Lindsey had held her hand firmly, trying to convey some sense of security.

But this time, this time Christen just leans over her and pulls Lindsey into a tight hug, and Lindsey, for the first time in a month, allows herself to cry.

** _[Summer seems to love you_ **

** _And just leave you in the rain_ **

** _Why don't you come a little closer?]_ **

It’s a Wednesday and Lindsey is standing on the upper section of Providence Park.

The draft had come and gone, and Lindsey was still in Portland, as was Emily.

Lindsey isn’t even sure why she’s here.

As soon as the draft had ended Emily had texted her, just a date and a time, along with an address that Lindsey would’ve known anywhere.

Lindsey had been in Denver, but then she also knew that Emily had been in Atlanta, because she had had coffee with Mal and Mal had mentioned it offhandedly on one of their Facetime calls.

It was fine.

Lindsey was fine, better than she’d been in 2 months and getting better everyday.

The time helped, the distance helped. It was fine.

But then Emily had texted her to meet up in Portland, in the spot where they’d had their first kiss nonetheless, and Lindsey had booked her ticked and sent Emily a screenshot before she could think about it too hard.

And now she was here. A little cold, and still a Portland Thorn, and not sure what to expect at all.

Lindsey has come to terms with the fact that she’ll never know what to expect from Emily Sonnett.

Lindsey thinks she understands now.

It’s another five minutes until Emily shows, and she looks so damn nervous that all Lindsey wants to do is pull her into a hug.

But she can’t do that anymore, so she buries her hands deeper into her pockets and wills herself to be stronger.

“Lindsey,” Emily whispers it into the space between them, the space that feels insurmountable and wrong, and Lindsey waits. It’s feels like she’s been waiting forever. “Lindsey, hey. Thank you for meeting me.”

She’s standing by the rail now, next to Lindsey in a way that makes Lindsey aware of every single inch of space that exists between them, here and before and always.

Emily places her hand next to Lindsey’s, their hands touching but not really, and when Lindsey meets Emily’s eyes she finds that Emily has offered her a small, tentative smile. 

A peace offering.

When Lindsey smiles back, it feels like a new beginning.

** **

** _[It's alright_ **

** _And you know that, don't you?_ **

** _In time_ **

** _How it all works out]_ **

**Author's Note:**

> come talk to me on twitter @_thunderclatter


End file.
